Chapter 1 The History I think it's time for an official "man break". It's May 1999 and I am on a plane leaving Miami after a very painful week. I am in an emotional tug of war, a mix of many feelings...sad yet relieved, depressed but optimistic, stressed out yet strangely calm. Is it humanly possible to have this many competing emotions and live to tell about it? My entire life seems to be in chaos, every aspect unsettled. I am starting a new job, relocating to Chicago, a place I frequently compare to hell, and have just endured the disastrous finale of a relationship I thought might be the happy ending to this book. So here I sit on this plane, unable to keep the tears from rolling down my face. I try to brush them away quickly so people won't feel sorry for me...I just hate feeling pitied. The past several years have certainly presented me with an overload of life's little challenges! Welcome to my world. I'm the kind of girl most of you love to hate. From the surface, I appear to have it all...a killer career with a six digit salary, great health with enough energy for ten people, and a 5'2" petite blonde exterior that still lets me stop traffic on a good hair day. At 34, at least I recognize what a blessed young lady I am. My parents are incredible and are the reason I have been able to enjoy some amazing life situations while keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground. My three older sisters have all given me many gifts in life and I feel lucky to reflect a little of each of them in my personality. I am fortunate to have many deep friendships that have lasted almost my entire span of life. I have a great education, completed my undergraduate degree in three years, graduated first in my marketing class, held a 4.0 in my major, and managed to do it all while I was a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I completed my master's degree the following year and shortly landed a great job at a large communications company. My career has provided me with exciting trips to Singapore, Budapest, London, Mexico, Hong Kong, France, and, of course, all over the U. S. It is safe to say that I have already experienced a lifetime of opportunities most people only dream about. Sounds like a charmed life, don't you think? So why am I feeling so worthless as I sit here on this plane, headed to tackle my latest and greatest life adventure? Why do I feel as though no man will ever want to be in a relationship with me, that I am somehow a defective female? How can I possibly be feeling sorry for myself? Because I am a "high maintenance" woman. And damn proud of it, because I have worked hard to earn that title! It took a great deal of learning about myself to recognize that I am high maintenance. And I had to learn not only about myself, but about women in general, about men, about relationships, and about life before I could really understand what high maintenance means. It is a term that used to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. But after reflecting on all my life experiences, I can tell you now that I wouldn't have it any other way! You see, high maintenance is NOT a bad thing. Keep reading and you will soon understand why. Perhaps it is already obvious to you that despite my list of "accomplishments", I have managed continuous failure in one area. MEN. Four failed long term relationships...my relationship with a high school boyfriend I'll call "My Cowboy" lasted seven years, with my first husband "Mr. Porsche", five years, with my second husband "The Exec", six years, and now "Casper", my "affair of the heart" for well over a year...he is just not going to be the happy ending I hoped for! After eight successful years at a "male dominated" company, you would think I'd have been around men enough to master an understanding of the opposite sex. After all, I work with men, negotiate with men, manage men, and befriend men every day. I've known all kinds of men, executives, engineers, salesmen, teachers, athletes, you name it. So why do I seem to interface with them successfully in any situation except an intimate relationship? Why do I find myself continuously nursing a broken heart? I am not alone here. Why do you think there is a never ending stream of relationship books hitting the shelves? If it is so easy to have a lasting relationship, why is the divorce rate approaching 60% in our country? What's the deal when an intelligent, friendly, attractive new age woman cannot be successful in a relationship? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? When I couldn't answer this question, I went on a total self-exploration trip. In this book, I'm going to take you through my little journey of discovery that helped me realize that I am indeed a high maintenance woman. I'll also explain my definition of high maintenance and share ten important life lessons I learned while on my self-exploration trip. And I'm writing this book to kill two birds with one stone...to help myself deal with these lessons and to help you learn them before you have to experience the same kind of pain! Ladies, think of me as the one friend who will tell you the truth, even the stuff you didn't really want to hear. Guys, think of me as that one friend you seek when you must have a woman's opinion. I am about to share my life secrets with you, to give you my pure chick perspective. So listen closely, and perhaps you will keep from finding this stuff out THE HARD WAY! I think it's important to share with you a little of my relationship hell history to insure that we are all on the same page as we review these lessons. Let's start with the summary version of my relationship meltdowns. I met My Cowboy at the end of my freshman year of high school on a church trip. The first love of my life, I have to admit this was actually one of the most mature relationships I have ever experienced. We were best friends. He was the quarterback of his high school football team. I was the captain of my drill team. Although we went to different high schools, we were as close as two people could be on every level. Somehow we managed to stay above things like jealousy and pettiness. I think our core strength was the fact that we were truly best friends. In fact, I'd say our ability to communicate was uncanny for our age. But then we went on to separate colleges. He moved to Texas A&M three hours south of Dallas, where I stayed to cheer for the Cowboys and attend UTA. For him, it was the perfect of situations, a girlfriend at home, freedom at school. For me, it was my first of many exercises in loneliness. I wrote him every day and tried to see him as much as possible. During those three years, I did a lot of growing up, and we did a lot of growing apart. When I went down to A&M to complete my master's degree, it seemed I was crowding his space. Honestly, I think we were just at different life stages. I was ready for things to grow more serious and become engaged, but he was fearful of taking things to that kind of level. He just wasn't sure I was the girl with whom he could spend the rest of his life. I couldn't understand how you could be with someone for seven years and not know if you wanted to take things to the next level, even at that young age. We eventually split. It was as painful as a divorce for us both. I attempted to do a little dating during the process, but I learned I was a relationship girl, and "playing the field" was something that I didn't really enjoy. Immediately I began to date Mr. Porsche. Friends from high school, we dated while both attending Texas A&M for about nine months. When I completed my degree, I went back to Dallas to work while he stayed down at school to finish his degree. We were married upon his graduation that May, after only dating a year and a half, and spending only those first nine months in the same city. We were completely wrong for each other, but too young to recognize it at the time. I think there should be a law that prohibits marriage until you hit 30! I guess we were just looking for different things out of life and out of marriage. He was looking for "Susie HomeMaker", however, I was "Carrie CareerChick". He thought my career drive was great while we were dating, but not so hot once I became his wife. We spent very little time together. He was starting his own business while managing a full time job, and spent every night in our garage making custom design parts for race cars. My second period of great loneliness, I felt neglected and depressed. It was never the kind of relationship I needed. I'm sure I wasn't giving him what he needed either. But it was so important to me to make my marriage "work". So despite the fact that I was unhappy within the first six months, I stayed in a very painful marriage for three years. I think I was in love with the concept of love. In fact, I probably still am in love with the concept. And I did love him. Those feelings were very strong, and it was quite hard for me to end my marriage. But it was absolutely the right move. I moved in and out of our house four times before I was gone for good. We went to marriage counseling. I was struggling with so many things. It took another four months to actually do the paperwork. And then things got really ugly, and I can honestly say we both behaved horribly while going through the divorce process. I think it is so sad that divorce can bring out the worst in two really great people. During that split, I began to date The Exec. Although we lived in different states, we had become close friends at work. I do not think I would have ever managed to become strong enough to leave Mr. Porsche if I did not have The Exec to support me. He was ready for our relationship to grow beyond friendship long before I was and pursued me like no one ever had before. The first time I flew to Denver to spend the weekend with him, he picked me up at the airport in a limousine, had roses in the car, champagne for himself, and a Dr. Pepper for me. (My addiction to Dr. Pepper is legendary...he knew I would prefer it to champagne!) At any rate, the entire period we dated was like a whirlwind. He literally swept me off my feet. While we were dating, never once did I arrive at an airport without flowers waiting for me at the other end. We spent hours on the phone every day. Being away from him was terribly difficult. The potential of our relationship seemed just boundless. He took me on a surprise trip to Hawaii to ask me to be his wife. The Exec was energetic, charismatic, very intelligent, extremely driven. I felt we had so much in common. I loved him so deeply. I felt certain that I had found my life partner. The fall of this relationship is quite a long story, and I will save the detail of its crash for primary examples of how I learned many of my hard lessons. Basically he decided being married to me caused him to make compromises he really did not want to make. But when he told me he wanted a divorce, I was completely unprepared. I was totally clueless, completely heartbroken. I spent an entire year trying to convince him to change his mind, of course to no avail, and to much extended pain for myself. I felt as though my life would never be the same. Enter the picture Casper. I was never more vulnerable. We met in our builder's office as we were both under new home construction in the same city. We found we had several mutual friends. A few days after we met, he sent me a friendly e-mail. I responded in the most neighborly sort of way. And then we got a little flirty. And then we got a little deep. And then we built something that felt truly amazing over e-mail. The first time he kissed me, I went completely dizzy and actually lost my balance. I thought perhaps he was my soul mate. He told me he thought it was fate. Finally I felt like my split with The Exec might not have been meaningless after all. Casper explained that his girlfriend of many years, we'll call her "Snow White" because she seemed so naïve and sweet, was going to be moving in with her mother when he moved into his house. He described his love for her as that of a father for a child. She was almost ten years younger than him, and while it was apparent that he loved her very much, he indicated there was just too much missing in their relationship for it to continue. Again, I'm saving the details, but he told me for an entire year that he was going to leave her before anything but many passionate kisses, lots of coffee stops, and a stream of memorable e-mail passed between us. Every time I mentally questioned what was going on, I was able to justify his every action because of my own internal struggles ending my past relationships. As luck would have it, we both began traveling to the same city on business, and our relationship then blossomed into much more than a flirty friendship. For seven months, we had quite an affair, with many ups and downs, including this current move of mine to Chicago. Three months into it, I attempted to bring the relationship to a screeching halt because he proposed to Snow White over Christmas. However, he explained that a counselor had convinced him his issue was "fear of commitment". He felt if he didn't take that step, he would never know whether or not it was his fault, that he needed to do everything possible to make it work. I remembered feeling exactly the same thing when I left Mr. Porsche. My solution was marriage counseling to insure that I had personally taken every step. Casper swore the engagement was a mistake he planned to correct, and I believed him. He broke the engagement before a business trip to Europe three months later, and I joined him for an amazing five days. When we returned to our respective cities, he couldn't stay away from Snow White. They reconciled. Again, I was completely devastated. Fast forward with me, it's now September 2001, and I'm a several months into recovery from yet another brief round with Casper. He was in and out of my life so many times I have completely lost count! Over the past three years, we approached something that never quite materialized into a full-blown relationship. It has been very difficult for me to move on alone, but I know that it is the right thing to do. And all this pain would be the reason that throughout the two years I've been writing this book, I've been on my "official man break". It is hard for me to even look at couples together now. My heart just feels so empty. I know that only time will help this pass, and I am grateful that I had the opportunity for so much love already in my life. Many people never experience love even once, and I have already enjoyed four great loves! Often, I find myself wondering if perhaps I am just so blessed in other areas of my life that relationship success may be unachievable for me. I have learned that I am overly trusting and way too forgiving in my relationships...gifts my father gave to me. But I prefer this combination to being incapable of trust and forgiveness. Finding a happy medium on the scale between unconditional trust and none at all would probably be a great self-improvement activity for me. But, hey, then I wouldn't be me! At least I am now able to recognize my own deficiencies and make conscious decisions while keeping them in perspective. And I give a lot of credit to The Exec and to Casper, because they both made me think about what was really important to me. That drove me to actually write this book! Nothing wrong with a little motivation to sit down, reflect on the past, and learn from those mistakes! Enough background, time to dive into the details. I'm going to share ten lessons with you in this book, lessons I unfortunately had to learn the hard way! They are: #1 — Men & women really ARE from different planets! #2 — I AM a high maintenance woman...and that's OK! #3 — Live in the reality, NOT the fantasy! #4 — Beware of the M.O.D.! #5 — Sex & Love! #6 — Give Good "C"! #7 — Love DOESN'T conquer all! #8 — There is no "Y" in love! #9 — Breaking up is HARD to do! #10 — Time is a 4-letter word! So, let's take a look at those lessons one by one, and see if perhaps I can motivate you to avoid the pitfalls that have entrapped me. Throughout this book, I'll use some examples from my first three failed relationships to emphasize the lessons. And you will actually ride with me on the Casper roller coaster, experiencing the emotions, the pain, and several lessons as I learn them myself! Remember that I'm only giving you one side of the story here. I think My Cowboy, Mr. Porsche, The Exec, and Casper are all super guys and I had some wonderful memories with each of them. But I'm giving you lots of examples of things that went wrong with my relationships because these events were the catalysts for me to learn these lessons. So before you give in to the temptation to rush to judgment about any of these guys or about me, remember that you are only getting a snapshot of information from a few specific moments. I challenge you to keep an open mind! I'm just sharing my life experiences with you to make you stop and think about your own actions. I'm not a professional and I don't have any magic answers. This is just my own chick perspective. Enjoy!
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